their crash, their kiss

All your kind they're coming clean
They shut their eyes, their mess, their scenes
All your kind, their spool and lance
their crash, their kiss, they harmonize
All your kind they're, all your kind they
All your kind they come and clean
their sleep through keys
they kill their needs
it's kill...


I sometimes think what some of my last thoughts are before i pass one day. Who knows if that will be in 10 years or a long live like 80-something your old margaret ashmore had.

the older we get, the wiser we get (or alteast some should). I think I'm getting a better grasp of what's it all about, but then something happens and I'm not really. I don't get it. I don't fully know. I want to know all these things and be told all the answers, but I'm starting to see more and more that they may not happen. and that's ok.

a dear friend recently gave me this quote, "Life is Silly." IT ABSOLUTELY MOST FUCKING IS SILLY! And working day to day to try to figure it out is even sillier.

So for now, i just have to keep living my life. try not to make stupid mistakes, try not to be so careless. try not to take it all to fucking serious. instead, enjoy the life i live, the city around me, the people in my life.

christmas has come and gone.
some was good, some not so much.

got to see some old friends this weekend.
got to have the old and the new together.
it was pretty great.

I'm looking quite forward to 2009.
a lot of things are in store.


i know this because i'm going to make them happen, and you never know what the world has in store for you....but i'm looking forward to it and I'm ready for it....

Tomorrow we go back to being friends...

oh, oh, oh but a weekend it has been. What a last 3 (four?) days it's been.

The weekend was full of many smiles, many laughs, many good times; as always you have to take the good with the bad, but it's worth it. In the end, it all works itself out. That's what being an adult is all about. Learning to juggle, learning to live. It's not such a bad thing to be selfish every once in awhile, for everyone involved and everyone to do what they want to do. This is the only life you have, so you might as well enjoy it. And I'm glad that you do...and I'm glad that I do too.

Sunday night, I had a pretty once in a life time experience.... I got to see Esther herself perform....MADONNA.

Words really cannot describe the whole experience; the lights, the visuals, Madge herself... it was all incredible, fabulous, shocking, wonderful... every adjective you could possibly thing of at one point or another during her close to 2 hour performance.

Set List:
"Candy Shop" (Hard Candy, 2008)
"Beat Goes On" (Hard Candy)
"Human Nature" (Bedtime Stories, 1994)
"Vogue" (I'm Breathless, 1990)
"Into the Groove" (Like a Virgin, 1984)
"Heartbeat" (Hard Candy)
"Borderline" (Madonna, 1983)
"She's Not Me" (Hard Candy)
"Music" (Music, 2000)
"Devil Wouldn't Recognize You" (Hard Candy)
"Spanish Lesson" (Hard Candy)
"Miles Away" (Hard Candy)
"La Isla Bonita" (True Blue, 1986)
"You Must Love Me" (Evita, 1996)
"4 Minutes" (Hard Candy)
"Like a Prayer" (Like a Prayer, 1989)
"Ray of Light" (Ray of Light, 1998)
"Hung Up" (Confessions on a Dancefloor, 2005)
"Give It 2 Me" (Hard Candy)

add in there an improptu verse or two of "secret" and also the song she did for one of the bond movies....


simply spelindid...

Family Tree....

The tv on the radio show last night...
amazing.

one of those times that gives you hope in the future and shows you that beauty can be found in the least likely of places...

What a splendid, much needed evening...

one with friends, one with dancing, one with smiles, laughter, love, and a feeling that i have not seen or felt in such a long time.

I am a very lucky girl with the friends in my life, the people i work with, and the places i go.

still cock stoppin....

I just talked to my old roomie, ms. valerie bishop.

i love her dearly, and she makes me miss college and our crummy little apt...

but we both are representing the cock stop well....

so i'm sitting in someone's bed (i don't know who because they have already gone to work) in hot springs, ak.

It is so weird to be back. I've been in hot springs at least once in the last two summers (three counting this one). Last year I lived here, but the year before that matt and I came to visit sara. last year, sara, andrew, and jessica came to visit me. and now, jessica, andrew, amber, and I are visiting marcus (and andrea, poodle, charlsey, and chris).

I'm still kind of in awe. I think it will hit me more when I'm at the park. I'm very excited to get to take everyone around the city and show them how i spent 4 months here last summer.

I'm hoping for a great 24 hours. I'm already wishing I didn't have to leave so soon.

We've got a face made for smiling, but we are weeping...

i have no idea what i'm doing.
I have no idea what I want.


like that john mayer song goes...
"You can find me
If you ever want again
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around

And if you never stop when you wave goodbye
You just might find if you give it time you will wave hello again
You just might wave hello again

And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now

You can't love too much one part of it
You can't love too much one part of it

I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give returned to me."

weekends/summer

times with friends are nice.
laughter.
smiles.
hugs.
couches.
movies.
lakes.

those things are favored.

coughed up my heart in the last stall...

sometimes i say the wrong thing, make the wrong face. i feel like at times I make it difficult to be loved, to be liked, to be considered a friend. I don't mean to do it. things just get lost in translation, lost words, contexts, actions, faces, ect. guess it's that fear of being alone, left behind, forgotten.

it's fine.
i'm fine.
we are fine.

Today is the day....

So excited for Today.

Heres to good company, good times, lots of beads :), and lots of dancing....

Happy Pride 2k8!



<3

Yesterday was a little frazzled at work. Long meetings in the morning, and then just some tedious work to do in the afternoons. So on the way home from work, I decided to stop and get a nice bottle of wine to drink at my house with dinner. When I walked in the door, I was plesantly suprised to see that we were going to be having a large family dinner, and that my family had already busted out a bottle of wine before I got there. So we all just opened up bottles and were just catching up on the days activites.

It was one of the best evenings I had had with them since the 3.5 months that I have been in Houston. Amazing conversation with everyone, laughter, kind banter.

Today, I went to the astros game. I was lucky enough to be given suite tickets (schweeeeet tickets). good friends, beers, $1 hot dogs, and 33,000 neighbors joining together for good times was a lovely change of pace for the evening.

I have some pretty lovely friends and family...

We will always be the one...

It's really hard sometimes to realize what I want in life. It is so hard for me to admit to myself things, be it good or bad. I had a bad night last night. I know that and I accept that. But today, I woke up, went to work, and didn't really think about what i was feeling last night too much, with the exception of a conversation online.

It's now getting close to bed, and I don't feel and haven't really felt the way i had last night at all today. I guess I know how to handle it, or at least know how not to handle it. I called a close friend before bed last night, and told her about how i felt. And she was so nice about everything. The moment was a little scary and she reminded me just how much I have changed the last 2 years. That meant a lot, and I'm glad to see the changes myself.

There is a quote in Juno that i adore. Juno asks her Dad about meeting someone and how will she know when she has find the one. I relate this quote to my waiting for real love and I also think that friendship should go by this same montra:

"Mac MacGuff: In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you
for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have
you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of
person that's worth sticking with."

I don't need my friends to think the sun shines out of my ass (*insert chuckle*), but it's nice to see when they are there for you for the good and the bad. I don't have too too much bad these days, but I hope they still love me just the same on my off days and that they know they are the ones that get me through the bad.

I'm not perfect, I'm not the best, but all I can say is that I try to be a good friend. I try to be as positive and happy as possible. I really do. And all I can do is try and give all the love and support that I can. And just hope for the same in return...

I feel that my luck could change...

Everything in its Right Place


This is someone's video from the Radiohead show I was at last night. This was one of my favorite songs that they did.

Here is their set-list from last night's show:
1. 15 Step
2. Bodysnatchers
3. Lucky
4. Morning Bell
5. Nude
6. Pyramid Song
7. Weird Fishes/Arpeggi
8. The Gloaming
9. National Anthem
10. Faust Arp
11. Videotape
12. Optimistic
13. Where I End and You Begin
14. Reckoner
15. Everything In Its Right Place
16. All I Need
17. There There

Encore:
Jigsaw Falling Into Place
House of Cards
Climbing Up The Walls
Planet Telex
Street Spirit (fade out)

Encore 2:
You And Whose Army?
Idioteque


It was an amazing show. I'm so glad that I got to share it with my friends. I got a little teary eyed during lucky, a huge personal favorite. Magical, mind-blowing, and visually spectacular....and beautiful. I guess that is the best way to describe it.

you're screaming out the window at the stars, "please don't drive me home..."

if there is only one thing that i know i will have for the rest of my life, be it long or short, i know for certain what it is.

it is love.


That may sound ridiculous to you or someone else, but to me, it is the truth. I could never not love. No matter how stressful, crappy, or tiring life could be, there is something i love. I love my friends. Every part of them. I know most of them know that I'll be there for them in the end, there when they need someone, there as much as I could be.

I love trees. I love stars. I love their beauty with every ounce of my body. I would hug all the trees and stars in the world, in the universe, if i could. Just to tell them how grateful I am to them and everything they have given me. Sure they have given me shelter and light, but what they may not all realize is how much they have brought me closer to my friends, the people i care most about in my life. They brought us together through songs about them, to sitting underneath them to share stories, secrets, or laughter. To guiding us in the night time when we had no other light when walking down the streets when our parents were still sleeping, to those nights on cliffs, roofs, runways, driveways, open roads, city roads, anywhere where we got to admire their splendor.

I've had tears built up all afternoon in my eyes. I thought that they would come out about something else, but now they have left my eyes because I'm so happy thinking how lucky I have been in life. Lucky in my friends. Though I don't live in the same city as some of them right now, and some I may never live in the same city with every again, I am so lucky to have had those times. To spend time and moments and experiences that people that I loved and that at least for that moment, loved me too.

I will always love those memories.i will always love these memories. i will always love trees. i will always love stars. and i will always love my friends.

it's all gonna break......GONNA BREAK!

i love and hate life right now. I guess i kinda knew going into this weekend, it would be good and bad. And it was both.

I'm glad i got to see my friends from college, and I'm glad I got to see my friends from now. It's still so hard sometimes to be back. I think that is one of the reasons I was subconciously not going back for so long. I've only been out of college for 4 months, but I have changed so much since then. I'm not the same, and I don't think that is a bad thing. I actually kind of like it. I just feel so much pressure to be the Amy they remember or think they know. The mash and the smash. It's rough, and I try to, but it usually ends with me being drunk. too. I tried so hard to not be defined as that. I hope that I can start being a little bit more honest next time I go back, and i hope my friends will not think bad of me.

I fucked up on saturday afternoon. I got confused, I got forgetful, and I was just distracted in my own thoughts and situations. I felt and still feel awful about it. If I have learned anything through the lives of myself and my friends these last 4.5 months is that we all fuck up. And hopefully with love and forgiveness, we can get through it all.


With my own life? my actions?
I hope I'm doing ok....i hope that it will all be the same in the end.

I am fine.

you say goodbye, i say hello

likes:
watching the office...all evening
getting to go to college station tomorrow to see friends
work going good
sneaky things. my own secrets and doings.

hehehe

we've got eyes that leave us in places we don't see...

my favorite song on feel good lost. my favorite instrumental song of theirs.

So I spent the weekend w/ the gonzales. it was wonderful. I got to see some sully, some matt d., and a little em. though the four + hour way sucks balls to drive alone, it was well worth the trip. I wish I would have been able to see Amanda, but hopefully next time around.

So this weekend was the start of getting to see my friends for four weekends in a row. CRAZY. It will be a good and bad thing. I miss them like crazy, but the overload of them will make me miss them a lot. But that is the life of being a grown up.

Today, the whole way back from FW, i took pictures of the scenery. Lot of pictures of overpasses, trees, wildflowers, the giant sam houston in huntsville, and then downtown houston. I forget just how much i love pictures like that. Pictures that you can just get lost in, imagining yourself in them or what was going on around the picture at the time.

only five more days....

I can't close my eyes and make it go away...

I had a wonderful and fun weekend with stephanie. With lots of friend time (her, sara, the tonys, and ms. alysha).
Spent all day Sunday watching the Lword.
I've been to two very fun fundraisers since Saturday.
I had a phone interview today, which will hopefully become a better situation to what it is.

I saw two very good shows Monday & Tuesday Night.

Monday: Tokyo Police Club & Eagle Seagull

Tuesday: Saul Williams

i carry your heart within my heart...

It was a great easter. Chatt came in last night to hang out, so he watched me back cupcakes, then we grabbed some pho 21, then we just hung around the house watching tennis with my aunt and the office.

This morning was when i started cooking my easter brunch feast. I made chocolate chip pancakes, bacon, eggs benedict, bourbon beef tenderloin, croissants, roasted asparagus, the cupcakes from last night, and chocolate chip cookies. It was more food then needed, and though I planned on just cooking it all myself, everyone there chipped in which made the meal and the day even better. Uncle Tom grilled the tenderloin, vicki and april helped with the asparagus, and chatt helped me fry eggs. And the whole morning we drank mimosas.

After lunch, Chatt and I drove down to Kemah and the bay. it was a beautiful day. He convinced me to ride the boardwalk bullet. It was good fun. Then...nap till now. Now I'm about to make myself go back to sleep in preperation for the week.

It was great to spend the day with family and a great friend. I have a lot a head of me in getting used to Houston being my new home (which hopefully it will turn out into). But I feel I'm off to a somewhat good start. I'm so glad to have Chatt so close. He is a great friend, that I missed tremedously the last semester of school. So to build this new chapter of my life with an old friend, it feels pretty good....