The Aqua V-Neck Shirt

I stayed in last night. My cold/allergies got the best of me yesterday, I've got the grand opening tonight, and I just wasn't in any mood to go out.

I woke up early and decided that I had to do my laundry, since i hadn't done it since before acl (gross, i know). So after reading for a bit, i just kind of looked up to catch the timer on the dryer. And then, i got side tracked staring at the laundry turn over and over again. I have this bright aqua color v-neck. The v-neck would sometimes come into view, but it would always get trampled by something else, sweat pants, shirts, jeans...always something else. Sometimes the shirt would not come into view for a long time, because other clothes just knocked it out of the way.

It made me think about how people/friends are a lot like laundry. Well, a lot like clothes. Or i guess that you are like articles of clothing. My aqua v-neck: it's new, it only comes out for certain things, i like how it fits. My soccer sweats only come out when i'm around the house, after a long day of work, or when it comes to the end of laundry. They've been around for 8 years. I know they are always at home when i have had a long day of work.

So it made me think. what type of clothing am i? how do people and my friends see me? am i the new v-neck, the old soccer sweats, the ragged tshirt you only wear while doing laundry, the favorite red-hoodie, or the gold, glittery shoes that might be the coolest things you have ever seen?

I think each person is something different to everyone. And that's not a bad thing. You can't be everyone favorite red-hoodie or gold glittery shoes. And you can't just have red hoodies and gold shoes. Nor can you wear the same thing everyday. I do know that much about life...

Selfless, Cold, and Composed....

so many things i've wanted to write about.
so many interesting things have happened.

i wish i would have written them all down sooner.

today, i was at central market for lunch. i went to get away from everything going on around me. this guy was taking too long of a time in the soup line. i was getting really impatient, but i stayed quiet. i noticed an old man (old enough to be a grandfather, but looked more like willie nelson) waiting on the other side of the slow, slow business man. when he was done, i dove in to get my lid for my cup, i asked the older man if he would like a lid too. he was so taken back, he hesitated to speak. he told me why yes and thank you. while we were walking to check out, he handed me a napkin when he got one.

i was having a really bad day today. in fact, it never really got any better. i was in no mood to do anything nice for strangers, especially after having about 5 minutes wasted waiting for slowly mcsouperson. I don't know if I did it because I've always had these manners bestowed in me or if because i knew it was just something to do. to help someone (even if it was just a lid) when you could. then that older man doing something nice back to me because of it. slowly mcsouperson also got a lid from me, despite him making me miss some pages in my book.

i guess the point is, even though you don't want to do something nice or take the time to help others when you have so much other stuff going on in your life, sometimes it's just something you do. whether if you are trying to be righteous or not.

if we never did anything nice for other people, what kind of world would we be living in?

We will always be the one...

It's really hard sometimes to realize what I want in life. It is so hard for me to admit to myself things, be it good or bad. I had a bad night last night. I know that and I accept that. But today, I woke up, went to work, and didn't really think about what i was feeling last night too much, with the exception of a conversation online.

It's now getting close to bed, and I don't feel and haven't really felt the way i had last night at all today. I guess I know how to handle it, or at least know how not to handle it. I called a close friend before bed last night, and told her about how i felt. And she was so nice about everything. The moment was a little scary and she reminded me just how much I have changed the last 2 years. That meant a lot, and I'm glad to see the changes myself.

There is a quote in Juno that i adore. Juno asks her Dad about meeting someone and how will she know when she has find the one. I relate this quote to my waiting for real love and I also think that friendship should go by this same montra:

"Mac MacGuff: In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you
for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have
you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of
person that's worth sticking with."

I don't need my friends to think the sun shines out of my ass (*insert chuckle*), but it's nice to see when they are there for you for the good and the bad. I don't have too too much bad these days, but I hope they still love me just the same on my off days and that they know they are the ones that get me through the bad.

I'm not perfect, I'm not the best, but all I can say is that I try to be a good friend. I try to be as positive and happy as possible. I really do. And all I can do is try and give all the love and support that I can. And just hope for the same in return...

you're screaming out the window at the stars, "please don't drive me home..."

if there is only one thing that i know i will have for the rest of my life, be it long or short, i know for certain what it is.

it is love.


That may sound ridiculous to you or someone else, but to me, it is the truth. I could never not love. No matter how stressful, crappy, or tiring life could be, there is something i love. I love my friends. Every part of them. I know most of them know that I'll be there for them in the end, there when they need someone, there as much as I could be.

I love trees. I love stars. I love their beauty with every ounce of my body. I would hug all the trees and stars in the world, in the universe, if i could. Just to tell them how grateful I am to them and everything they have given me. Sure they have given me shelter and light, but what they may not all realize is how much they have brought me closer to my friends, the people i care most about in my life. They brought us together through songs about them, to sitting underneath them to share stories, secrets, or laughter. To guiding us in the night time when we had no other light when walking down the streets when our parents were still sleeping, to those nights on cliffs, roofs, runways, driveways, open roads, city roads, anywhere where we got to admire their splendor.

I've had tears built up all afternoon in my eyes. I thought that they would come out about something else, but now they have left my eyes because I'm so happy thinking how lucky I have been in life. Lucky in my friends. Though I don't live in the same city as some of them right now, and some I may never live in the same city with every again, I am so lucky to have had those times. To spend time and moments and experiences that people that I loved and that at least for that moment, loved me too.

I will always love those memories.i will always love these memories. i will always love trees. i will always love stars. and i will always love my friends.

land locked blues

so much has been happening, so many thoughts in my head....

I've had quite a few things that have been weighing heavy on my heart. I guess secrets will do that to you. I've been debating about what to do about a situation for awhile now, but this past week/weekend, I've really been thinking about it because i've had some down time and other factors.

I've been working all weekend from my house on my freelance gig stuff. And today at the house, my aunt and uncle were watching their grandkids, who are 2(3?) and 5. Callie is the younger one. We were driving them over to their new house after dinner so I could see my cousin and our painting skills we had been working on all weekend. I was listening to this wonderful song on the radio that i wish i knew what it was, but all i can remember is a line being repeated this is something around the extent of "I feel like I would know myself a little bit better..." and Callie was sitting in my lap (it was the backseat and we were only 8 blocks in the 'burbs). She and I were both just looking out the window as we were being driven there. We were both just watching the world go by.

I don't really want to just watch my life. I want to actually live it. I really need to determine what exactly I want in life. I think I tell myself often that I don't want certain things because of a fear of rejection. But I don't think I should have to settle because of that fear. There is no reason that I should not be deserving of things. Not all things, but some. I shouldn't cheat myself out of life or happiness because i'm scared.

I'm scared of so much though. Failure, being alone, sadness, being disliked, or passed aside. Those consequences scare the crap out of me. But what is a life worth living if you don't take risks and don't go after what your heart really wants?

I'm not saying I'm looking for "the next best thing" or always looking for something better. But where is the line of deserving better and having what you need?



i thought i knew what to do....but i don't.

this may be bad luck, but fingers crossed it won't be! *ba-dum-dum-chhhh*

so i just found a fortune cookie in the office kitchen.
so i ate it as a snack.
here is what the fortune said.

"no need to worry! you will always have everything you need."



i hope that is true. :/

we've got eyes that leave us in places we don't see...

my favorite song on feel good lost. my favorite instrumental song of theirs.

So I spent the weekend w/ the gonzales. it was wonderful. I got to see some sully, some matt d., and a little em. though the four + hour way sucks balls to drive alone, it was well worth the trip. I wish I would have been able to see Amanda, but hopefully next time around.

So this weekend was the start of getting to see my friends for four weekends in a row. CRAZY. It will be a good and bad thing. I miss them like crazy, but the overload of them will make me miss them a lot. But that is the life of being a grown up.

Today, the whole way back from FW, i took pictures of the scenery. Lot of pictures of overpasses, trees, wildflowers, the giant sam houston in huntsville, and then downtown houston. I forget just how much i love pictures like that. Pictures that you can just get lost in, imagining yourself in them or what was going on around the picture at the time.

only five more days....

you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here...

I have drunkenly commented in the past, but secretly feel that Semisonic's song "Closing Time" is one of the greatest songs that has come out while we were growing up. It might actually be a remake from Leonard Cohen (que?), but i just fucking love this song. I could listen to it everyday, and have no problem with it.

here is the video, enjoy (though the quality of the video suggests that somone filmed it while watching it off MTV of something. S'NICE!)



So i'm ending on my 22 hour trip home. It had it's ups and down. In a little under 2 hours we will be having family dinner. YIKES. My brothe's fiance and her children bailed. So now i have to wait for a phone call from her asking if I will be her maid of honor. She i have only met her once for only 2 hours and it was 4 years ago, but that apperently still qualifies me for being her m.o.h (or as the phof knows it maid of dishonor)

So post-sxsw. I feel alittle empty. I was hoping for some really great time with friends, and it wasn't the dream i imagined. I believe you learn from everything. I don't like to regret anything i have done, I'd rather learn from it. I'm still trying to figure out what i have learned from all of this. Don't try so hard to please people? don't bust your balls for anyone but yourself? I don't really know. I know i love the friends i have. pretty much no matter what. we've all hurt each other in one form or another for different reasons and different circumstances. I just hope that we can remember the good times to keep us going to get through the rough stuff, and get back to the good stuff.

<3

i am ready, i am ready, i am ready, i am fine...

Known to some but more to few, I almost went to film school out of high school instead of A&M. I used to be a huge admirer of film, but over the years music has filled up more of my time.

I still have quite a few strong views about film. One thing I like to consider of state is about my love for when film and music can merge into one being of just utter genius. A clip where the music fits so perfectly with the actions on the screen, you believe that no other song could be placed there.

Here are some favorites:

Fight Club-last scene-song: The Pixies "Where is my mind?"



Cruel Intentions-the first-song: Counting Crows "Color Blind"



Half Nelson-at a loss over a lover gone: Broken Social Scene "Lover's Spit" (Feist Version)



The whole Half Nelson movie is scored by broken social scene. It is an example of sheer beauty; how the two intertwine to tell a heart wrenching story of friendship, lonelyness, and trying to survive.