land locked blues

so much has been happening, so many thoughts in my head....

I've had quite a few things that have been weighing heavy on my heart. I guess secrets will do that to you. I've been debating about what to do about a situation for awhile now, but this past week/weekend, I've really been thinking about it because i've had some down time and other factors.

I've been working all weekend from my house on my freelance gig stuff. And today at the house, my aunt and uncle were watching their grandkids, who are 2(3?) and 5. Callie is the younger one. We were driving them over to their new house after dinner so I could see my cousin and our painting skills we had been working on all weekend. I was listening to this wonderful song on the radio that i wish i knew what it was, but all i can remember is a line being repeated this is something around the extent of "I feel like I would know myself a little bit better..." and Callie was sitting in my lap (it was the backseat and we were only 8 blocks in the 'burbs). She and I were both just looking out the window as we were being driven there. We were both just watching the world go by.

I don't really want to just watch my life. I want to actually live it. I really need to determine what exactly I want in life. I think I tell myself often that I don't want certain things because of a fear of rejection. But I don't think I should have to settle because of that fear. There is no reason that I should not be deserving of things. Not all things, but some. I shouldn't cheat myself out of life or happiness because i'm scared.

I'm scared of so much though. Failure, being alone, sadness, being disliked, or passed aside. Those consequences scare the crap out of me. But what is a life worth living if you don't take risks and don't go after what your heart really wants?

I'm not saying I'm looking for "the next best thing" or always looking for something better. But where is the line of deserving better and having what you need?



i thought i knew what to do....but i don't.