it's been awhile.
i miss writing.
i really need to get internet at my house.
i'll work on updating this more. with photos as well.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Common Threads: Stories from the Quilt
Today will be my 4th year of attending Pride. Third in Houston and one crazy summer of Arkansas Pride.
This morning I watched a documentary called "Common Threads: Stories of the Quilt"
It was completely amazing. It was the 1989 winner of the best documentary oscar. The story tells of the rise of the Aids disease in the early 1980's and the struggles of getting the Reagan administration and the country to understand what the disease is. the United States was one of the last developed countries to start educating people on the disease; and that wasn't until 1987 when already over 50k people have died (more than that I can't remember the exact number at the moment). The stories told of those the quilt memorializes are those who contracted the disease through unprotected sex, needles, or blood transfusions.
The movie had me in tears and many scenes hit close to home. One woman, who ended up learning that she had become positive after her husbands passing, talked about the last time she saw her husband. He was in the hospital, not wanting to die in the family home, and the wife wasn't feel well. The nurse took her temperature and it was 105 degrees. The nurse said it would be best if she just stood at the door instead of getting any closer to her husband. She said her husband never turned to look at her, and he just sat there in the fetal position. That was the last time she got to see her husband. She never got to tell him goodbye.
I remember being in the third grade, going to a Houston for the Rodeo, and as a "before the rodeo trip" we went to the hospital to see my uncle Donnie who was in the hospital with "pneumonia". I walked into the hospital and from the door i can see him in the hospital bed hooked up to all these machines. The nurse told me that I could not go into the room, because i was too little and she thought i would unplug the machines (I was 8...not 4). So i didn't get to go into the hospital room. I didn't get to tell my Uncle Donnie (who i adored) good-bye or that I loved him. It wouldn't be till a couple of years later that i would learn that he past away of AIDS.
The mother of a 12 year old boy that had passed away started talking about how horrible it was that there were so many squares representing the horribly high number of people that had passed away from this disease. She said that each of these squares was made by someone that passed away and was loved.
I have so many emotions from this movie. One of those emotions is anger. I am so mad that my uncle doesn't have a quilt square. I'm mad that I was so young and that I only knew one side of my uncle that I couldn't even make a quilt square for him. I'm mad that none of his friends, partners, or lovers made one for him. I'm mad because in the documentary one man talks about meeting a guy in the doctor's office and they guy says that he no longer has friends because the disease took them all. I'm heartbroken at the thought of everyone that knew my Uncle Donnie in Houston could have died from this disease and I have no way of learning about him outside of the man that i remember. The man that would come and visit, play game after game of old maid with me, the man that brought me a porche, white convertible for my barbie.
I want so much to know this man and give him the respect that he deserves and that everyone deserves that has had to deal with this disease, and I just don't know how i'm going to do that....
This morning I watched a documentary called "Common Threads: Stories of the Quilt"
It was completely amazing. It was the 1989 winner of the best documentary oscar. The story tells of the rise of the Aids disease in the early 1980's and the struggles of getting the Reagan administration and the country to understand what the disease is. the United States was one of the last developed countries to start educating people on the disease; and that wasn't until 1987 when already over 50k people have died (more than that I can't remember the exact number at the moment). The stories told of those the quilt memorializes are those who contracted the disease through unprotected sex, needles, or blood transfusions.
The movie had me in tears and many scenes hit close to home. One woman, who ended up learning that she had become positive after her husbands passing, talked about the last time she saw her husband. He was in the hospital, not wanting to die in the family home, and the wife wasn't feel well. The nurse took her temperature and it was 105 degrees. The nurse said it would be best if she just stood at the door instead of getting any closer to her husband. She said her husband never turned to look at her, and he just sat there in the fetal position. That was the last time she got to see her husband. She never got to tell him goodbye.
I remember being in the third grade, going to a Houston for the Rodeo, and as a "before the rodeo trip" we went to the hospital to see my uncle Donnie who was in the hospital with "pneumonia". I walked into the hospital and from the door i can see him in the hospital bed hooked up to all these machines. The nurse told me that I could not go into the room, because i was too little and she thought i would unplug the machines (I was 8...not 4). So i didn't get to go into the hospital room. I didn't get to tell my Uncle Donnie (who i adored) good-bye or that I loved him. It wouldn't be till a couple of years later that i would learn that he past away of AIDS.
The mother of a 12 year old boy that had passed away started talking about how horrible it was that there were so many squares representing the horribly high number of people that had passed away from this disease. She said that each of these squares was made by someone that passed away and was loved.
I have so many emotions from this movie. One of those emotions is anger. I am so mad that my uncle doesn't have a quilt square. I'm mad that I was so young and that I only knew one side of my uncle that I couldn't even make a quilt square for him. I'm mad that none of his friends, partners, or lovers made one for him. I'm mad because in the documentary one man talks about meeting a guy in the doctor's office and they guy says that he no longer has friends because the disease took them all. I'm heartbroken at the thought of everyone that knew my Uncle Donnie in Houston could have died from this disease and I have no way of learning about him outside of the man that i remember. The man that would come and visit, play game after game of old maid with me, the man that brought me a porche, white convertible for my barbie.
I want so much to know this man and give him the respect that he deserves and that everyone deserves that has had to deal with this disease, and I just don't know how i'm going to do that....
Monday, May 4, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
That's as funny as real love...
That echo chorus lied to me with its
"Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on"
Monday, March 23, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
their crash, their kiss
They shut their eyes, their mess, their scenes
All your kind, their spool and lance
their crash, their kiss, they harmonize
All your kind they're, all your kind they
All your kind they come and clean
their sleep through keys
they kill their needs
it's kill...
I sometimes think what some of my last thoughts are before i pass one day. Who knows if that will be in 10 years or a long live like 80-something your old margaret ashmore had.
the older we get, the wiser we get (or alteast some should). I think I'm getting a better grasp of what's it all about, but then something happens and I'm not really. I don't get it. I don't fully know. I want to know all these things and be told all the answers, but I'm starting to see more and more that they may not happen. and that's ok.
a dear friend recently gave me this quote, "Life is Silly." IT ABSOLUTELY MOST FUCKING IS SILLY! And working day to day to try to figure it out is even sillier.
So for now, i just have to keep living my life. try not to make stupid mistakes, try not to be so careless. try not to take it all to fucking serious. instead, enjoy the life i live, the city around me, the people in my life.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
where does the good go...
So much has been happening in the last week. A lot has changed for my friends and thus in fact has had an impact on myself.
with that topic, it's funny how life changes all of the sudden. I feel like at this age and point in my life, I am just trying to "figure out myself"; figure out what i want out of life, who i want to spend my life with, what i want to be doing with my life, and how i'm supposed to do it.
tuesday, I got thrown for a loop; a spoke in the wheel, no path to lead; a bridge not yet built; whatever you want to call it.
at first, i thought FUCK. this is not what i wanted, this wasn't what i was planning for... but then i kind of got to thinking about life. And I realized that change is good (though we don't like it, we have to accept it because it's not going anywhere). That life is like knowledge. One can never have too much of it, one can never not be learning. Why would one want to be ignorant enough to never want to learn anything new and valuable? With that said, who would want to not experience new life adventures that came their way, just because they weren't planned? If we planned everything, I think life would be a lot more boring then it already can be at times.
I guess I'm just looking forward to figuring out life some more, discovering live, finding happiness. I don't have any better of an idea of what that will be, but maybe i'm not supposed. Maybe i'm just supposed to LIVE and everything else will just fall into place...
with that topic, it's funny how life changes all of the sudden. I feel like at this age and point in my life, I am just trying to "figure out myself"; figure out what i want out of life, who i want to spend my life with, what i want to be doing with my life, and how i'm supposed to do it.
tuesday, I got thrown for a loop; a spoke in the wheel, no path to lead; a bridge not yet built; whatever you want to call it.
at first, i thought FUCK. this is not what i wanted, this wasn't what i was planning for... but then i kind of got to thinking about life. And I realized that change is good (though we don't like it, we have to accept it because it's not going anywhere). That life is like knowledge. One can never have too much of it, one can never not be learning. Why would one want to be ignorant enough to never want to learn anything new and valuable? With that said, who would want to not experience new life adventures that came their way, just because they weren't planned? If we planned everything, I think life would be a lot more boring then it already can be at times.
I guess I'm just looking forward to figuring out life some more, discovering live, finding happiness. I don't have any better of an idea of what that will be, but maybe i'm not supposed. Maybe i'm just supposed to LIVE and everything else will just fall into place...
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Im pushing an elephant up the stairs
Im tossing up punchlines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground
Im breaking through
Im bending spoons
Im keeping flowers in full bloom
Im looking for answers from the great beyond
I want the hummingbirds, the dancing bears
Sweetest dreams of you
Look into the stars
Look into the moon
Im looking for answers from the great, answers from the great beyond
Im tossing up punchlines that were never there
Over my shoulder a piano falls
Crashing to the ground
Im breaking through
Im bending spoons
Im keeping flowers in full bloom
Im looking for answers from the great beyond
I want the hummingbirds, the dancing bears
Sweetest dreams of you
Look into the stars
Look into the moon
Im looking for answers from the great, answers from the great beyond
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
Blame us cause we are, who we...
I feel like i've been thinking more about life then I have been in awhile. granted, i'm always thinking, but sometimes i think i let my mind get the best of me. I let songs, movies, pictures, sights, and other things take me back to somewhere i haven't been in awhile.
Today, while i was in bed trying to get over this mysterious illness, i opened up my fortune cookie from the asian restaurant down the street. it said, "now is the time to make new friends." I was a little taken back by it. I'm one of those people that saves their fortunes, that thinks that no matter what they say, to an extent they are real.
I've just been reliving the last 6 years in my head the last week. 6 years is a long amount of time to run through your head in a short amount of time, but i've had a variety of different triggers (occurances?) happen.
I don't think I would go back to any of those years, not that i didn't enjoy (most of them) at the time. In my heart, I know there is more. I keep telling myself that, but I can't fully say i believe in it. But there is more.
To an extent, that fortune may be right. I may not need to make all new friends leaving behind those i know, but i need to make new experiences and continue in this life that I'm leading. I need to fight to not become some stagnant being in a mundayne life that is routine and lacks variety.
I hope that I can keep moving my life in a way that inspires me, that brings me an immense amount of happiness, and i can contribute more to this world that surrounds me.
that is one thing that has remained the same these last 6+ years.... all i've ever wanted is to just be happy.
blame us cause we are who we are,
hate us cause you'll never get that far
and who'd suppose you would go
i'd already learned enough to know that....
Today, while i was in bed trying to get over this mysterious illness, i opened up my fortune cookie from the asian restaurant down the street. it said, "now is the time to make new friends." I was a little taken back by it. I'm one of those people that saves their fortunes, that thinks that no matter what they say, to an extent they are real.
I've just been reliving the last 6 years in my head the last week. 6 years is a long amount of time to run through your head in a short amount of time, but i've had a variety of different triggers (occurances?) happen.
I don't think I would go back to any of those years, not that i didn't enjoy (most of them) at the time. In my heart, I know there is more. I keep telling myself that, but I can't fully say i believe in it. But there is more.
To an extent, that fortune may be right. I may not need to make all new friends leaving behind those i know, but i need to make new experiences and continue in this life that I'm leading. I need to fight to not become some stagnant being in a mundayne life that is routine and lacks variety.
I hope that I can keep moving my life in a way that inspires me, that brings me an immense amount of happiness, and i can contribute more to this world that surrounds me.
that is one thing that has remained the same these last 6+ years.... all i've ever wanted is to just be happy.
blame us cause we are who we are,
hate us cause you'll never get that far
and who'd suppose you would go
i'd already learned enough to know that....
Sunday, February 1, 2009
the charm around your neck....
I've always been a fan of when music & film merge into one.
this is one of my most favorite movie scenes in any wes anderson film and in movies in general.
intense? yes. morbid? but the images and song both just give this haunting feeling and creation. It's reality, life isn't that great all the time. And I think this scene reminds us that.
to enjoy the scene sans blood, sans intensity; please enjoy this archived footage and complete song:
this is one of my most favorite movie scenes in any wes anderson film and in movies in general.
intense? yes. morbid? but the images and song both just give this haunting feeling and creation. It's reality, life isn't that great all the time. And I think this scene reminds us that.
to enjoy the scene sans blood, sans intensity; please enjoy this archived footage and complete song:
Thursday, January 29, 2009
only in dreams...you'll see what i mean...
I'm in love with the world through the eyes of someone else.
Well, maybe not love, but through their eyes I am starting to see.
What and how I'm seeing the world I haven't quite made up my mind yet.
But I'm liking this feeling. I like caring once again about something. I've been dead and non-responsive so long that this feels alive.
It's not that realistic much at all. I know. No hopes are being far fetched or whatever it is being called, but to feel something. That I will take.
So for now, I lay my head to sleep. To dream of my thoughts and my feelings, and to wish and imagine what tomorrow has in store for me once more...
Well, maybe not love, but through their eyes I am starting to see.
What and how I'm seeing the world I haven't quite made up my mind yet.
But I'm liking this feeling. I like caring once again about something. I've been dead and non-responsive so long that this feels alive.
It's not that realistic much at all. I know. No hopes are being far fetched or whatever it is being called, but to feel something. That I will take.
So for now, I lay my head to sleep. To dream of my thoughts and my feelings, and to wish and imagine what tomorrow has in store for me once more...
Monday, January 26, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum.... WHOA OHHH
i love this song. It puts a huge smile on my face & spring in my step.
this video makes it 80 times better.
this video makes it 80 times better.
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