coughed up my heart in the last stall...

sometimes i say the wrong thing, make the wrong face. i feel like at times I make it difficult to be loved, to be liked, to be considered a friend. I don't mean to do it. things just get lost in translation, lost words, contexts, actions, faces, ect. guess it's that fear of being alone, left behind, forgotten.

it's fine.
i'm fine.
we are fine.

Today is the day....

So excited for Today.

Heres to good company, good times, lots of beads :), and lots of dancing....

Happy Pride 2k8!



<3

in the end...

Despite all the arguments and disagreements, love and family will always prevail in the end....



she will always be remembered as a one of a kind grandmother...

Shampoo Suicide....

notice the man with the tv on his head.
"we are in love"

this same band once wrote "we hate your hate"


i hate your hate too.



love,
amy and broken social scene

You better not kill the groove...

So Thursday night, I found out I got my apartment I had been after for 2.5 weeks. Friday I moved in.

It's precious. It's me. And I love it. Slowly but surely, the decorating is beginning. I feel like that I made the right choice, so I'm looking forward to it all.

The first weekend as a city girl was pretty wonderful. Having friends stop by, driving only 1-2 miles to where I was going.

It is weird going to sleep here. Little lonely/feel very alone at some points if I'm home too long. But it's just me having to get used to living alone. And once I have everything unpacked, and set up, it will feel more like my own little home...


I'm looking forward to it very much..

Yesterday was a little frazzled at work. Long meetings in the morning, and then just some tedious work to do in the afternoons. So on the way home from work, I decided to stop and get a nice bottle of wine to drink at my house with dinner. When I walked in the door, I was plesantly suprised to see that we were going to be having a large family dinner, and that my family had already busted out a bottle of wine before I got there. So we all just opened up bottles and were just catching up on the days activites.

It was one of the best evenings I had had with them since the 3.5 months that I have been in Houston. Amazing conversation with everyone, laughter, kind banter.

Today, I went to the astros game. I was lucky enough to be given suite tickets (schweeeeet tickets). good friends, beers, $1 hot dogs, and 33,000 neighbors joining together for good times was a lovely change of pace for the evening.

I have some pretty lovely friends and family...

We will always be the one...

It's really hard sometimes to realize what I want in life. It is so hard for me to admit to myself things, be it good or bad. I had a bad night last night. I know that and I accept that. But today, I woke up, went to work, and didn't really think about what i was feeling last night too much, with the exception of a conversation online.

It's now getting close to bed, and I don't feel and haven't really felt the way i had last night at all today. I guess I know how to handle it, or at least know how not to handle it. I called a close friend before bed last night, and told her about how i felt. And she was so nice about everything. The moment was a little scary and she reminded me just how much I have changed the last 2 years. That meant a lot, and I'm glad to see the changes myself.

There is a quote in Juno that i adore. Juno asks her Dad about meeting someone and how will she know when she has find the one. I relate this quote to my waiting for real love and I also think that friendship should go by this same montra:

"Mac MacGuff: In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you
for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have
you, the right person will still think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of
person that's worth sticking with."

I don't need my friends to think the sun shines out of my ass (*insert chuckle*), but it's nice to see when they are there for you for the good and the bad. I don't have too too much bad these days, but I hope they still love me just the same on my off days and that they know they are the ones that get me through the bad.

I'm not perfect, I'm not the best, but all I can say is that I try to be a good friend. I try to be as positive and happy as possible. I really do. And all I can do is try and give all the love and support that I can. And just hope for the same in return...

This song is beauty and hate to me all rolled into one.

I have not hated the world like I do right now in almost 1.5 -2 years. I never thought that the feelings, the hurt, the anger, and everything with it would ever come back as strong as they were the first time. I did fear they would come back one day, but not anytime soon or with deja vu' happenings. And it's not just by one event, one person, one comment, but a combination of so many things in a short amount of time.

I just cried a little while ago. Just sobbing. I was driving, and driving while crying isn't a good idea. but i didn't want to stop. I didn't want to go anywhere, because i felt like i had nowhere to go. I still don't feel like I have anywhere to go.

I know right now that emotions are high, it's been an exhausting weekend and it's finally all catching up to me. I think...i mean i know I can handle everything better now. I'm older, wiser, and i know what not to do to fix it. knowing how to fix it is another story.

They say that you cannot let anyone make you feel inferior with out your consent.
I didn't give my consent, but why do i still feel so terrible?

I saw sparks...

a favorite.

I'll always look out for you...

I had every intention of coming home today, and writing a blog about how i heard this song on the radio this morning. I heard it and i just had this hell yeah feeling. This feeling where i wanted to be in a dark room (possibly a roller rink for fun, because that is what the real music video's lights make me think of). I just had this feeling of singing/lipsincing this and just busting it out. Because I just didn't care. I didn't care what they thought, be it stupid, ugly, crazy, whatever. I just had this feeling like let's do this shit, let's tear it up. But I'm not.

Because then the day went on. and it sucked. i lost my apartment i was going to make an offer on. another instance on why i hate parade shitters.

my life is not completely in shambles, and i don't really have too much to complain about. but i feel like it's all crashing down around me. this domino effect that has been taking place the last couple of weeks.

I've been in love this last month with an old song by bright eyes called, "land locked blues." the line goes:

"if you love something, give it away..."


i wish i was given away...

It could be so much better than this...

I miss the get up kids. I just came across this song the other day at work.